Progress? Progress. Progress-ish?

Two months since my last post. Not exactly the steam I thought I might keep up for this thing. I suppose a lot has happened, but not so much pound wise.  I'm still ten pounds down. Ten pounds seems to be the plateau that I've hit and it's hard to see past it.

As I mentioned in previous posts I have been very interested in seeking alternative methods to getting off of my anti- depressant/anxiety medication. The very things that started all of this weight gain. On that front I am doing great. For the last two months I've been going weekly to a naturopath who helps me out with just about everything. He does therapy with me, he goes over my diet and exercise, he even teaches me how to breath properly. In addition to this he prescribed a good dosage of daily Vitamin D after taking some blood and realized that I've done a pretty crappy job at administering it to myself, partially of course by choosing to move to such a grey place.

All of these things that I've been seeing my doctor for will overall help my well being and in turn my mood. Fortunately he is smart. Smart people would say I have to get better before I can taper off of my meds.

I'm still in a sort of hole. So, meds for now.

Things are getting better though. I feel responsible for doing my homework he gives me, which can be things like:

Walk more
Eat better
Take calculated Deep breaths
Start up Yoga again
Talk out your problems
Be good to yourself

At this point in my life I really need someone to tell me these things. Depression depletes all of my energy and convinces me I don't need to do anything. Anxiety tells me that if I even try I will regret it. And Dr Paul tells me:

Do it. You actually just really need to.

Healthy is Sexy

Well, I'm still just under/around ten pounds down but it goes up and down a lot. I feel like I was making progress and then it just tapered off. Number wise that is. As far as the scale is concerned I'm not making much progress, but that's definitely not the only thing that counts!

I'm feelin' good.

I've noticed that when I treat myself to some yummy calorie full meals I only eat about half of what I would normally eat. My stomach is finally on my side! Enough is enough apparently.

Also, just knowing that I'm consciously eating healthy has boosted my self esteem a little bit. I can walk down the street with my head held a little higher knowing that I give off a smidge more confidence. Healthy is sexy.

I'm human

Well guys, personal set backs have taken away from my blogging. My personal set back is

I'm a mess!

I started going to see a therapist as a part of my chemical free road to getting off of my anxiety meds. It's amazing what a couple weeks of forty five minute sessions can do. My therapist doesn't even really talk at all. It's pretty much up to me every week to go in there thinking I have nothing to talk about and then end up spilling my guts and coming to the realization that I have no clue what I'm doing with my life.

My next step is the Psychiatrist. This would be the ideal scenario:

Psychiatrist: What can I help you with?
Me: Well, I want to get off of these pills- they made me fat and kept me in a melancholy state the last three years
Psychiatrist: Ok, just stop taking them and everything will be better
Me: Ok

Unfortunately I've tried this before and ended up on a hospital bed at Harborview. So, that's what happens I guess. Journaling has been great too. Mentally. Physically, I guess what has helped is that app on my phone helped me understand about calories and what an appropriate amount of  protein I need daily. To be honest I stopped using it, maybe I'll start again but I think I just get it.

Apparently it's not that difficult to not stuff my face all the time if I put my mind to it.

Also, I've lost six pounds. That's it. I hope getting off of my meds proves to be the cure to losing real weight. If not, whatever... I feel healthier. I'm also a little happier and no longer crave soda.

Well... kind of. I'm human.

One week in..

I'm officially one week along on my challenge and here are a few things I'd like to note:

1) I lost three pounds
2) People have lots of opinions about how I should lose weight
3) A tablespoon of Frank's red hot sauce is zero calories, and when you put it on chicken it tastes like you're eating buffalo wings, and you essentially are but like super healthy ones
4) Diet coke still tastes gross


I had my gluten free/sugar free friend Nicole over today. We made a super healthy brunch.. it was really tasty you guys! I made gluten free/vegan biscuits, here is the recipe- I used rice milk for the milk and potato starch. Also, agave nectar on top. Yum.

Biscuit Recipe

The little things

Now that I'm a few days in I think I can properly assess my situation. And this is my situation:

I'm hungry.

Holy crap guys, going on a diet means you eat less food. How did I not realize this? My stomach is constantly angry at me, and the first day or so I was pretty angry with me also. I realized that I needed to do research, because raw vegetables aren't as satisfying as I thought they might be. I've been using an app on my phone that does the work for me, it adds up all of my calories and makes me feel shameful if I go over my daily amount (which is 1450 if you were curious).

I have noticed though that there is a thing called protein, and if you consume it you feel  a lot more functional. My favorite new snack is a cup of black beans with a tablespoon of non fat sour cream and half of an avocado. I'm really learning such basic things at this point. No one ever taught me how to eat healthy, how do people learn how to eat healthy?

Pinterest.

People learn things from Pinterest, and I am now one of them. I feel so trendy and with the times when I do this. Also, I've learned that if you add lemon to water you feel a tiny bit more satisfied. And luxurious, totally luxurious. It's the little things..

day one down, a bunch more to go...

Why do the scales at QFC live behind the Valentine's Day candy section? This was the cruelest joke of the day. Well known fact about me: I love Valentine's Day, and I also have a strong love for candy. Mixing these two? Magic, pure magic. I'm proud of myself though..

No candy hearts made their way into my basket.

Instead, I awkwardly shoved a big ol' scale into my shopping basket and piled on fruits and vegetables and bulk grains. I realized while I was at the self checkout that I tend to go to the one farthest from other people. Somehow I feel like chubby girls get judged on their purchases and if they aren't eating all healthy all the time then they are feeding into the obesity epidemic. This is of course an exaggeration built up in my mind but nonetheless I have always tried to hide my purchases no matter what they may be. Not today though! And not just because I was buying super healthy food, but because today I have a new appreciation of my personal choices and how they are just that: mine.

Setting up a scale in my apartment felt dirty. I always frown upon calorie counting and pound tracking, but you know what?

That's how you lose weight. And that's how I'm going to lose weight.

Here was my discovery:

Yup, that's my real weight. I used to cringe at the mere thought of this, but this is who I am. Why would I not want to understand myself better? And to understand myself I have to stop pretending that I'm not overweight.

My poor husband had to eat the most bland vegan dish you can imagine tonight, tomorrow I plan on making it up to him with an actual thought out yummy meal.

Just trying to be comfortable again..

Hi, my name is Kaitlin. I live in Seattle in a cute little apartment with my husband, two adorable bunnies and a roly poly french bulldog named Olivia. By day I work at an Organic and Fair Trade chocolate factory (so cool, right?) and by night I'm a professional lounger, book reader and day dreamer. My life is filled with flowers, tea cups, cute animals and nice music.

A couple months after my husband and I started dating I was diagnosed with MDD (Major Depressive Disorder) mixed with an expected amount of GAD (Generalized Anxiety Disorder). This diagnosis was the biggest weight off of my shoulders. For years I had pushed away (and scared off) many boyfriends. I was always sad, masking it with anger and just plain old being crazy. Eric, my husband, was special and I really wanted to figure my shit out before pushing him away as well. Eric was supportive of me taking my new medicine, and soon he saw some major changes (after a few upgrades in doses in the first few months). I finally started to feel like I could breathe, of course nothing was perfect but I felt like I could manage living my days without crawling back into bed and giving up.

The first change was my weight. I was always the skinny girl, maybe almost too skinny, but I always loved the way I looked without fail. After taking my pills for the first time in my life I started gaining weight. Fast. I now weigh over 50lbs more than I did when I first started taking my medicine. At first I was really angry about this, and then I just kept thinking 'well the weight will just stop sooner or later'. After a while I started accepting being a chubby girl, and taking pride in being a women with flaws and embracing it even. I accepted that this girl:

was no more, and this girl:

didn't need to feel shameful about it.

And I don't. I'm really and truly not shameful. Sure it hurts when random strangers ask me if I'm pregnant. Sometimes I feel guilt about ordering a soda when I'm out to eat. But I'm not shameful. I've learned to appreciate my body in ways I never could when I was thin. But the truth is:

I just don't feel comfortable.

I think that I shouldn't have to explain my decision to lose weight passed that. I just don't feel comfortable. I can't do certain things comfortably anymore, and the extra weight is making me really tired real fast. It's making my sciatica worse. It's keeping me from being as active as I'd like.

I don't want to or need to be as thin as I used to, but I would like to lose a few pounds. I don't believe in fad diets, and to be honest I really hate exercising. What I am going to do is attempt to get off of my meds and try natural alternatives. I'm going to try to cut out a lot of the fatty snack foods I've been defaulting on the last few years. And hell, I'm going to learn to love myself again regardless of my weight.

This is the most honest I've been with myself and most definately the most honest I've been with my friends and complete strangers about my chub struggle over the last three and a half years. I'm going to blog about it so I can take accountability for what I'm doing (and not doing). I have no time goals, no weight goals, just the goal of feeling better about myself.

This is my personal chub challenge.